What is Betrayal Trauma?

To answer that question, we must first talk about what trauma is.

Typically when we think about the word trauma, we imagine horrific and catastrophic events such as war, terrorism, natural disasters, accidents, sexual violence and anything that is life threatening. These experiences, of course, can be and often are very traumatic to endure and witness. The problem is, trauma is much more common and insidious than most people recognize, but distressing life events often get minimized and dismissed because they don’t seem as serious when compared to more “obvious” incidents. The denial and minimization of these kinds of wounds only further increase the emotional impact on the person who experiences them.

Dr. Gabor Mate, renowned expert on trauma and addiction, explains “Trauma isn’t what happens to you, it’s what happens inside of you.” Furthermore, he notes “trauma can also be inflicted by not what happens to you, but what doesn’t happen that should happen,” (eg. not having a connected and present parent). Therefore, we know that trauma can also be the result of childhood neglect, bullying, job loss, breakups/divorce, financial stress, death of a pet, chronic pain, and yes, betrayal.

The Impact of Betrayal

As humans, we all have a deep need and desire to connect with others. When we enter into a committed relationship, we usually have the hope and agreement that this is “our person.” We believe this is someone who will honor, value and respect us. And we believe this significant other will help to keep us safe. When a betrayal or violation of an agreement occurs, whether it is by an infidelity (physical, emotional or virtual), engagement with sex workers, compulsive pornography use, or some kind of secret keeping, a rupture is caused in that attachment, trust is broken and sense of safety is shattered.

Because infidelity and other forms of betrayal are unfortunately not uncommon, it is easy to disregard the impact they can have and yet the consequences to our sense of self and well-being can be catastrophic. It can be incredibly damaging to our self-worth and sense of safety in the world to discover that a partner has hurt us in this way. Betrayal is very very personal, and as a result, our entire belief system about ourselves, other people and the world around us can become completely destabilized.

In his book The Body Keeps the Score, Dr. Van der Kolk says

“Trauma, whether it is the result of something done to you or something you yourself have done, almost always makes it difficult to engage in intimate relationships. After you have experienced something so unspeakable, how do you learn to trust yourself or anyone else again? Or conversely, how can you surrender to an intimate relationship after you have been brutally violated?”

With this in mind, we know that betrayal trauma can result in painful physical and emotional symptoms, as well as the development of deeply unshakeable negative beliefs about ourselves and others. The deception can leave you feeling like your life and/or relationship has been a lie and may cause you to question everything you know about yourself and your partner. It can also greatly diminish your ability to feel you can trust or be vulnerable with anyone ever again.

Since it often feels blindsiding, gut wrenching, unfathomable that someone you love, trust and rely on so much could possibly hurt you in this way, you might find a way to blame yourself for your loved one straying. I often hear questions like “what did I do wrong?” or statements like “If I was more intimate with him, he wouldn’t have cheated,” or “If I looked after my body more, she would be more attracted to me.” Others will ask “how could I have been so stupid?” or “why didn’t I see this sooner?”

Common thoughts/beliefs after discovering a betrayal can be:

“I am not good enough”
“I am not safe”
“I am ugly”
“I am a bad”
“I am worthless”
“I am broken/defective”
“I am a disappointment”
“I should have known better”
“It’s my fault”

Symptoms of Betrayal Trauma

If you have discovered that your partner has betrayed you in some way, you may notice some or all of the following signs that trauma has occurred:

Anxiety/nervousness/jumpiness
Depression
Fear
Anger
Confusion
Grief/sadness/hopelessness
Loss of identity or sense of self
Difficulty concentrating
Memory loss
Mood swings and irritability
Denial and disbelief
Guilt/shame/self-blame
Feeling numb/disconnected
Desire to isolate
Disinterest in previously enjoyed activities
Sexual dysfunction
Weight loss/gain
Hypervigilance/looking for signs of danger
Nightmares
Flashbacks/intrusive thoughts and images
Fatigue
Difficulty sleeping or over sleeping
Racing heart
Digestive problems
Body aches/headaches

We Can Help

Often partners are left in the wake of betrayal feeling confused about what to do, and very very alone. You may be afraid to tell friends and family for fear of being blamed, judged, or even for fear of having others think badly about your partner. But when you hold this secret inside and suffer in silence, it can eat you alive, therefore having a support system to navigate this is incredibly important. If you have discovered a betrayal by someone you love, please consider reaching out to a qualified mental health professional who can offer you a safe, non-judgemental and confidential space to help you process your feelings and begin to figure out your next steps. If you are unsure where to start, we warmly invite you to reach out to Dr. Suzie and her team at Newlife Psychology to get connected with a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma recovery.

References

The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk
Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal: The Essential Tools for Healing by Dr. Kevin Skinner Trauma is Not What Happens to You, It is What Happens Inside You- Dr. Gabor Mate

Article by Lindsay Haverslew, MA, RTC, CSAT